The role of relationship intimacy: Keeping your relationship personal

In a world where sharing intimate details has become the norm, it may be helpful to consider the role of boundaries in your relationships. Relationship boundaries involve intentionally choosing to keep certain aspects of your partnership to yourself by creating boundaries and protecting the intimate aspects of your connection. 

Keeping your relationship and personal life discreet doesn’t mean that you aren’t allowed to talk about it or that you hold in the feelings and ideas that may stem from experiences in your relationship. Healthy relationships are a place of safety, trust, and mutual understanding, and it can be crucial to be comfortable in your relationship apart from the projections and judgments of your peers. 

However, for some people, it may be valuable to ensure that relationship well-being does not depend on pleasing others or creating a particular “image” of what they think the relationship should be. Accepting the relationship as it is and not relying on external validation may be a helpful practice that facilitates empathy and intimacy between partners. Additionally, addressing mental health concerns may facilitate a deeper awareness of the realities of the relationship, separate from the opinions of others. 

Why relationship boundaries matters

When defining your perception of relationships, it can be crucial to set boundaries around external opinions and validation in your love life. Allowing outside voices to shape your view may detract from the authenticity and intimacy of your connection with someone. It may also disconnect you from your feelings, potentially leading to confusion, anxiety, and other challenges. When you prioritize external validation, you may risk losing sight of the relationship itself. 

Your unique experiences, emotions, and dynamics can drive how you perceive and nurture your relationships. Embracing the genuine connection of a relationship, free from external influences, may allow for a deeper connection rooted in mutual understanding and respect. 

Boundaries may play a vital role in fostering intimacy and trust within a relationship. Sharing intimate relationship details with others can dilute the special bond between partners, especially if there are no clear boundaries set for what should exclusively remain within the relationship. Keeping certain aspects of your relationship discreet may cultivate a safe space for each person to be vulnerable and their most authentic self. 

Research has found that empathy plays a vital role in awareness of what details are healthy to share and which may be worthwhile to keep between partners. Researchers analyzed how an imbalance in the understanding of self and others may lead to relational difficulties and mental health risks. They concluded that individuals with higher levels of empathy were more able to understand the distinction between their own emotions and those of others. They also experienced improved mental health and relationships. 

Why maintaining boundaries may be difficult

Oversharing in a relationship may be a sign of an underlying desire for other people’s approval. Being compelled to constantly share intimate details of their personal life may stem from a subconscious desire for validation and acceptance from individuals outside the relationship. It may also stem from an imbalance in understanding one’s own emotions and seeking clarity through validation. 

When one has struggled to cultivate a healthy sense of self and firm personal boundaries, they may be at risk of believing external validation is a measure of their worth within romantic relationships. This vulnerability can lead someone to prioritize approval over emotional truth, letting others' opinions dictate their perceptions of love and connection. 

Comfort levels can differ, as do the timetables on which people choose to open up to others. Misinterpreting a person's desire for personal space as a lack of trust can be unhealthy, potentially dismissing the nuanced boundaries they've set for personal well-being. Genuine emotional connection thrives in environments where these boundaries are mutually respected, and your desire for approval is acknowledged. 

While affection and recognition from others can be uplifting, the most enduring form of validation may come from an internal place of self-respect and self-compassion. True relationship contentment may begin with an emotional core rooted in self-awareness and self-love.

Boundary vs. secrecy 

Like there is a difference between confidence and arrogance, there is a distinction between having discreet relationships and being secretive. Relationship boundaries involve the ability to control what personal details are shared with others, emphasizing autonomy and individual choice. Contrarily, secrecy implies deliberately withholding information, which can lead to suspicion and mistrust. Keeping a secret relationship may be an underlying sign of insecurity or other dysfunctions within the partnership. 

Confidence without seeking external validation can be a powerful expression of self-assurance and independence. It involves trusting one's instincts, capabilities, and decisions without relying on affirmation from others. Building internal confidence can require self-reflection, self-awareness, and a willingness to embrace vulnerability in relationships.

Individuals may better navigate life's challenges with resilience and conviction by cultivating a strong sense of self-worth and authenticity. Embracing unique qualities and experiences, independent of external validation, may help you develop a deep sense of inner confidence and empower you to engage in healthy, selfless, and more intentional relationships. 

Ways to maintain relationship boundaries

Below are a few ways you may choose to maintain boundaries in your relationship. 

Setting boundaries with family and friends

Communicate with your family and friends about wanting to keep certain aspects of your relationships discreet. Let them know that while you appreciate their interest and support, there are boundaries to what you are comfortable sharing that you'd like them to respect.

Managing social media presence

Being mindful of one's social media presence can be crucial to maintaining boundaries between partners in a relationship. Oversharing or misrepresenting personal information in the digital age can lead to misunderstandings or conflicts. It may be helpful for you and your partner to decide and agree on what aspects of the relationship are appropriate to share publicly. 

Being mindful of what you share 

When discussing personal matters with others, be cautious about sharing sensitive information about your relationship. If you choose to discuss an important issue, consider if it may be best to first discuss it with your partner or if you may be showing a lack of trust by seeking outside validation. It may be helpful to have an open conversation about what aspects of your relationship you are both comfortable sharing and keeping personal. 

Cultivating self-efficacy

Self-efficacy pertains to one's belief that they can achieve goals and overcome challenges. When individuals cultivate self-efficacy, they may be better equipped to navigate uncertainties and setbacks, fostering a sense of inner strength and resilience.

Recognizing your inherent worth can be a transformative experience that may diminish the urge to overshare as a bid for validation. In quiet confidence, individuals may find the fortitude and clarity to maintain boundaries in their relationships. To develop this confidence, consider the following tips: 

• Seek activities and experiences that get you out of your comfort zone
• Practice reframing, such as adopting more positive perspectives about yourself and your problems
• Lead a healthy lifestyle 
• Seek professional guidance 

Seeking professional help 

If you find that boundary issues are causing strain in your relationship, consider seeking guidance from a relationship expert or therapist. If you’re uncomfortable trying in-person therapy, you can also try online therapy through platforms like BetterHelp.

Online therapy can provide individuals with improved access to guidance from mental health professionals. These professionals can provide valuable insights and strategies to help them navigate boundaries, personal concerns, and potential mental health contributors within the context of your partnerships. In addition, you can choose between phone, video, or live chat sessions with your therapist and access resources like journaling prompts, worksheets, and weekly group sessions. 

Psychological researchers have found that cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) delivered online can effectively reduce symptoms of depression and anxiety. Research highlights that with proper structure and support, online therapy can provide the same level of effectiveness as in-person interventions. This mode of therapy may provide individuals with the tools and confidence to establish and assert boundaries, thereby cultivating healthier relationships that respect personal space and emotional well-being.